No longer in denial, or am I?

Last August, I quit drinking Mt. Dew. A little background...

Graduate school was too busy, and life was catching up with me. Mt. Dew seemed to be one of the staples holding me together. Little did I know, it was also hurting me. I was forgetting to drink water, sometimes forgetting to eat and was nearly living on caffeine (not to mention what it was doing to my teeth, or our budget!). It was BAD.

Then a few things started to happen in my life that made me re-evaluate how I was, or wasn't taking care of myself. I quit caffeine cold turkey. I had done this before. In high school I quit drinking soda. It lasted for about 5-6 years, until I started college. I didn't remember it being a big deal, however I'm assuming I wasn't drinking the same amount then as I had been this time.

This time, within 24 hours of stopping Mt. Dew, well all soda, I was SICK. I had the chills, and then hot sweats. My stomach was upset. I could not eat anything without feeling nauseous. I ached all over. I had a constant headache. To say the least, it was terrible. However I didn't give in. I stuck to it. No Mt. Dew. No pop.

I started drinking water. And once my stomach was better (about a week), eating. After a good month of this, I even felt better, healthier. I couldn't believe how much different my body felt, just because I wasn't drinking living on Mt. Dew. It was amazing! I had really made a huge change in my health, my life.

However, I started slipping. Around February maybe. Now I really don't remember. I would have a soda. Not Mt. Dew, but soda. One orange soda turned into 2, and then, eventually Mt. Dew slipped back in. It wasn't a lot. It wasn't all the time. I guess that is why I was in denial. I was making the excuse that it was okay, that it really wasn't a big deal.

Recently I have came to realize that I have been purchasing a Mt. Dew nearly every day from the machine in our apartment garage. Mid day, I would start to feel antsy, and like I needed to walk to the pop machine. I needed the Mt. Dew. It would become my goal to gather up enough change and make my way to the pop machine.

Today, my husband and I went to Costco, and for the first time, in almost a year, we purchased a 36 pack of Mt. Dew. I'm sad. I'm almost embarrassed. Why does my body think it needs this? Why, after all I went through before, with being so sick after quitting last time, am I putting myself in that situation again? Sure, I'm having a couple each day, not... well, not the amount I was at a year ago. However, does it matter?

All of these feelings. It is just soda.

Yet, I'm disappointed in myself.